I don’t think of myself as a cruel or hard person normally. I do have my own deep sense of what I think is fair and what isn’t. It isn’t right or fair to lie to people, but I’ve done it, even to people I love. For that I can only ask forgiveness. I’m not a person who intentionally hurts people normally, but my son’s disability has forced me to hurt him daily to keep him healthy. At some point he’ll be old enough to actually say “no” and I’ll have no choice but to respect his choices, making sure he understands the consequences first, of course. My life is more uncertain now than I ever thought it would or could be. I have little to no choice about my own direction or situation. My children have to come first, and both my mental and physical illness limit what is left for me after that. The insecure part of me, the part that wanted to be rescued, to be taken care of and thought it had found the certainty it was looking for – the stability that would make giving up a great deal of my own autonomy worth it (for my kids if nothing else), has watched the years grind granite back down to shifting sand. I’ve lied to myself, perhaps, more than anyone else. Equal partners contribute to their mutual endeavor equally, each giving of their particular talents and time. I haven’t done that internally or externally. Recently someone suggested to me that it would be incredibly sad to leave this earth without having been the most important person in someone’s life, and having someone in your own life that important to you. To love and be loved – well that’s a journey. It’s a journey that can’t be truly embarked on with someone who doesn’t have the ability to love them self. Whether or not I can actually get to the point of loving myself, or at least reducing the self-loathing to a more reasonable level, remains to be seen.
Uncertainty. It’s all there really is. At times that is incredibly painful. At times people find a sense of acceptance about it that brings peace. There’s a 12-step slogan, “Sometimes you have to fake it, until you make it.” Not a horrible mantra. Namaste’.