Baby Steps

There are mornings I get up, like today, and don’t know how I’m going to make it. The chronic pain I’ve had (along with the PTSD, anxiety attacks, and depression) cripples me and limits me in ways that make me feel down before I even get up. I finally have this wonderful opportunity to work again, and do something to help others. I’ve always loved that about being a nurse. Our house has been such a chaotic mess this whole week though, whether because of the hurricane, election, days off for kids, broken instruments, seeing my darling son’s spine on an x-ray from two years ago and realizing just how many inches his disease has robbed him of in height. Several new medicines, along with treatments he’ll need to not be coughing constantly…this morning I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. I’ve learned some Reiki and want to learn more, I want to feel a connection with spirit, and come closest to feeling it when I’m practicing yoga, writing, or meditating, none of which I’ve had time for or feel like I have the energy for today. This is a very whiny post, I apologize.

The thing is, I’m taking baby steps back to spirit. I watched my son learn to walk, and then lose it. Learn to eat, and then not be able to feed himself anymore. At the same time, the agony fried my nervous system, and I now have phantom pain, or complex regional pain syndrome or fibromyalgia, choose whatever name fits. My baby steps are filled with falls related to these things, not because I think I’m special and shouldn’t have to cope with pain, but because there are days I don’t know how I’ll make it through and spirit seems so distant. In my heart and soul I know it’s as close as my own breath. My tank of strength feels empty, and just as so many of us need to do, I need to find a way to fill it. So I think of my spiritual energy providers, the A-T families I am in touch with, the incredible beauty of my fellow blogger, Wendell Brown‘s poetry (www.foreverpoetic.wordpress.com), Rumi and the other poets who seem to live with Spirit in their every moment of being. It is an honor to to read their work, and share the journey we are all on. I’ve put it out there to the universe, and to all the spiritual beings who provide the light on my path (including my loving family – “nuclear” and extended) and today I hope God will forgive me for asking for help. I may not be able to get down on my painful, shaky knees, but I ask for a sense of presence beyond my limited human one as I try to navigate this day of challenges, and to find joy rather than hopelessness in the tasks I need to accomplish.

Finally, I give thanks from the deepest part of my being for the love of all those around me. I bow in gratitude to my adopted family, the Landis, Blum, Derstines; to all my siblings and my parents, to my children and my amazing husband, and to those people who give of themselves to help the rest of us stumble closer to finding our connection to our Spiritual self, Wendell Brown; Rumi; Tara Brach; Pema Chodron, and so many, many more regular people who amaze me with their strength and faith. May we all feel the presence of the One who brought this universe into being. Namaste’.