Thresholds

I have always lived with the reality that I have heightened sensitivity.  I am hypersensitive to loud noises, bright lights, sudden movement, and especially to anger – whether directed at me, or  my own.  From a young age I learned not to trust signals from within.  Genetically, I have a “special chromosome” that tells me I am at fault for everything.  When a parent or anyone is angry, I know it is because of something I did or did not do.  Whatever hardship comes my way, including abuse of various types; rape, assault, bullying, abandonment – it all seems karmically deserved.  There was something broken in me before birth, and it has been my family’s misfortune to have to witness me living out this belief over and over.  The  bedrock  I built my self on is my complete lack of any lovable quality.  Again, this was/is chromosomal, not due to anything my parents or siblings did or didn’t do.  In some ways the more they ‘ve tried to show me their love, the more shame I’ve felt at the poor stuff of humanity that comprises my being.  Various professionals have attempted to help me along the way, some with more success than others.  This sounds like “victim” talk, but it is a limiting mindset.  It is me trying to understand how I have at 1/2 a century of life still been unable to shake it.

I stand at a threshold, one I’ve stood at before.  This time I want to think deeply about how I want to cross it.  I’ve had my share of falls, trips, and dives through others.  I’ve visualized what I want for my life, and as with many of us, I have limited its fruition due to  circumstances and self-doubt.  There is no blame here (other than my own) for weaknesses that have held me back, distorted my thinking, and guided me toward self-destruction.  I have been extremely fortunate to have a husband who has been stalwart in staying with me, and insisting on loving me despite all my attempts to deny it is possible.  In his case I have not been as able to use the excuse, “well, he’s family, of course he’s going to say he loves me.”  He’s also one of the most determined people I’ve ever met, and does not give up easily.  (to be fair, my family doesn’t either)  The threshold still awaits, and I’ve taken many steps toward it that have been extremely positive.  There have been negative ones as well.  For those of you who share my particular genetic disability (or have it for whatever other reason) how have you overcome it?  I earnestly request feedback on this, and will appreciate any experiences you would be willing to share.  I will keep them private if you let me know that is your wish.  Namaste’.

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