Posts from the ‘Writing’ Category

Sitting with loss

Photoby Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

You are my dreaded companion,

hollowing me with a razor-edged scoop,

until I am ragged, and raw.

You are a purveyor of pain and delight,

that you weave into an umbilicus,

a connection that must be cut,

severing us from one another.

But are we?

This scarred and broken body,

gave birth to you in a sacred, crystalline moment

and is still imbued with your sweet, sweet

presence.

Darling, and dreaded,

companion that I long for,

tell me the story we learned upon awakening;

that love and joy and sorrow and loss,

are all the same.

That as I clasp your hand in mine

and press it to my heart,

you are already letting it go,

and your echo is all that remains.

Dan Immortal

Anytime

Any time of day

and any day,

Memories of you fill my mind.

Tears, still so quick to spill,

rivulets of love and pain.

Busyness is it’s own addiction,

life goes on without you.

I hug your tree,

its’ branches your arms,

inhale days past,

the sweet smell of you.

We are separated,

by the realities of time,

and being.

And so, we are also,

inseparable.

You are alive,

always,

woven into and through me.

Emotion can transcend the limitations,

of this temporal space.

Love,

written somewhere in our DNA,

unites and reunites us,

until I know no more;

until I know not when;

until the mystery,

and the majesty,

of our human connection,

is revealed.

A little over a year

It’s a little over a year,

love,

I thought it would be getting easier.

It’s strange how food loses its flavor,

how everything can seem so empty,

of meaning, of purpose.

How could I ever think my writing

could sum up how we were,

Mother and son, nurse and patient,

closer than anyone can imagine.

I understand why those of us left behind

consult oracles, psychics, ouiji boards.

Anything that might give a sense of

the  presence of our loved ones again

seems acceptable,

even things completely irrational

when separated from our loss.

And your siblings, so much time lost

with them,

but no complaints, not ever,

from them, from your step-dad.

That is how much we all loved you

and love you still.

In some way we all felt it was worth it,

you were worth it,

and so much more.

All the laughter you brought us,

all the joy.

We were, we are, so blessed

to have known you, to have had you in our lives.

Sleep sweetly my baby, dear brother, dear friend.

We loved you then, we love you still,

and your love may be what heals us.

Nightmares

All of you and all of me were together.

We were both on gurneys

separated

something wrong with our hearts.

At least I could see you,

talk to you, even as the doctors talked over us.

Before they put us on the stretchers

I could hold you, smell you, feel you close.

my dearest, I thought it took courage

for us to walk through your life

so full of pain from procedures

and operations.

But I am a coward in the face of your loss.

And while nightmares in sleep end with waking,

the nightmare of your loss just goes on and on…….

Breaks

Tonight my coworkers asked me,

As they always do,

“When do you want to take your break?”

“I don’t usually take them.” My standard reply.

I don’t say why. That some nights the tears are too close.

That I love the memories despite the pain they cause,

Because they are of you. Because they bring you near again,

And the pain of the separation is even worse,

Than the pain of remembering.

Going on

I work the shift,

I work the stove and cook,

I email, and give kudos,

And all the while I miss you.

I weep on my walks with Odie.

Such beauty, such tragedy.

Wanting to believe,

In some supernatural being,

Who oversees it all.

But it is just the Ides of March,

The confusion of new seasons,

Not experienced before.

Is forgetting therapy?

When you love those with

A plate already so full.

Every psych patient knows

To reach out.

But really, how does it figure?

In the grand scheme of things?

We all know what we should do

But does it really matter?

“Yes” our therapists would tell us,

But, the pain seems so immense.

Think of your children,

Not yourself, because they matter too.

And they did not ask the tacit question,

They were just brought into being.

Find strength from their search for meaning.

What else is there?

Beautiful Words

I am out of beautiful words.

The pain of missing you weighs heavily on me,

and I cannot sleep.

Nightmares of you, lost or in need,

tear at my mind and heart,

waking me in a cold sweat, afraid to fall asleep again.

Where are you?

Should I look toward the stars? In nature?

How can it be that I will never hold your hand again?

Everything hurts and there is no remedy.

You were, you are, a part of me.

But you are gone,

and I am still here.

Here, but no longer whole.