Perceptions

I spent a lot of Tuesday feeling guilty about being pampered by my sister on Monday.  What a waste of time.  Yes, some bad things happened while I wasn’t home, but good things happened too.  That Tuesday, after many phone calls, and keeping my disabled son home from school sick, I finally got some good news towards the end of the day.  He had been approved for a new nebulizer, plus a hugely expensive medicine (two actually) along with vitamins designed for him, and it was all covered by insurance.  We have to wait until Friday for the new meds and the nebulizer but it was such a relief to hear he would be getting the care he needs.  Even if I AM the one who will have to deliver that care.  The drug companies are easy to demonize (and much of it is deserved – there must be a better way to spread out the cost of research than charging thousands of dollars a month for medicines to keep children healthy, out of the hospital and ALIVE)  In this case my son will have close to 30 minutes shaved off the time he spends with a mask on his face getting medicine aerosolized and into his lungs.  That’s a big deal when you’re 14, and have been getting nebulizer treatments most of your life. I’m not sure if it was his pulmonologist who pulled off the miracle, or if it was a company willing to fight for insurance payments (okay, I’m a bit cynical) but I DO know I’m glad.  It will benefit my son, and so it will benefit me and our family as a whole.

As we celebrated Valentine’s Day Tuesday night, I tried to explain to my other two children how much it hurts to have to do things for their brother that I know he hates, like respiratory treatments (he had already left the dinner table).  Having to do things that your child hates day after day  wears you down.  My husband tries to help as much as he can, and it isn’t easy for him physically.  Between the loss of his hip years ago from a bad surgery, and the rebuild of his lumbar spine required after decades of paralysis, he’s lost some of his trunk control, so it’s easy to fall out of his manual wheelchair when he leans over to put the mask on my son’s face.  He takes the chance anyway though, because he knows it helps me.  I didn’t get any flowers, chocolates or diamonds (after three lay-offs between the two of us in the past four years?).  Instead,  I got understanding for my frustrations, a celebratory partner in our son’s medical treatment, and someone who helps me at every opportunity to lighten my load.  Considering the depression and grief that can become paralyzing at times when my son has “had it” with all the treatments, medications, and limitations on his life, I couldn’t ask for a better Valentine.  Thanks honey.  True love is not something you can get from a card – it comes from someone caring enough to  help when things get hard, to listen when you feel like you’re losing your mind, and hold you as you cry when your children have had a bad day. (or if you haven’t been able to have a child you desperately want)

Perception colors everything.  I could have stayed in a state of guilt about having time with my sister and continued the “second arrow” the Buddha talks about.  I could have stayed mired in our son’s pain, and my own, or felt resentful about not getting a flowery Valentine’s card, a token gift, or something similar.  Instead, with gentle reminders from my husband, I was able to shift my perception and that makes all the difference in how you see AND how you receive things.  Try noticing the little things your loved ones do for you, instead of pining for the big flowery gestures that can just as easily be carried about by a disengaged philanderer as a mate who truly loves you.  A late Happy Valentines Day to all.  May you love yourself (which is a huge piece of work constantly in process for me) as much as you want to be loved by others;  and may your perception be colored by an openness to miracles (or just good things happening) rather than whatever your wounded self thinks you “deserve.”  Blessings, peace, and Namaste‘.

Losing battles

Confronting the reality of my son’s condition as fatal is a battle that has taken me to the brink of insanity over and over again.  Sometimes the grief is so heavy that I don’t think I can bear it another second.  Then Dan will cough or crack one of his jokes that make me howl with laughter and I’m back in the moment with him.  As difficult as it is for me, I realize it’s even harder for Daniel, and that helps me set my own grief aside.

The summer before Daniel started third grade, we had to confront the reality that his days of walking independently were over.  My husband, Kevin, had devised a “punishment” for rude behavior, like burping as loud as you possibly could at the dinner table – a given with boys.  The rule was that if you burped, you had to run out to the edge of our yard and back.  We had watched Dan run out in the field with his brother and sister (because inevitably one child burping leads to another, like yawning does) wobbly but holding his own.  They would shout with laughter and fly across the grass, damp with evening dew, Kevin yelling “faster, faster.”  Dan had started to get unstable, and couldn’t make his legs work the way he wanted them to.  He fell if there was nothing to hold onto, so he started having to stay at the table with us, and when school started he had to use a wheelchair.  He would break our hearts, saying “I wish I could still walk” in a tremulous voice when his siblings would run out into the yard, and I would scoop him up on my back and try to be his legs.  We knew it wasn’t the same, but he would laugh and seem like a child again for a few minutes.

This summer it was the battle to keep him eating that we lost.  It started out as several bouts of pneumonia, close together, and a week as an inpatient on the pediatric rehab unit.  He hadn’t been gaining weight, had stayed below 60 lbs. for close to two years.  We had talked about having a feeding tube put in his stomach to supplement his meager appetite, complicated by tremors in his hands that made his food fly off the fork.  He’d been great about letting me help him eat, but the energy it required just to chew and swallow took so much out of him there was no way he could make any gains in pounds.  We decided to get as many tests out of the way as we could while he was in the hospital, so he had a gastric emptying test and a swallow test.  His gastric emptying test showed delays and although his swallow was found to be completely “normal” according to the speech therapist, he had a problem with something called his vallecula.  Somehow, he had lost sensation in his vallecula, so if food or liquid (including saliva or mucous) pooled there he didn’t feel it and it would slide right down his trachea and into his lungs.  After the test was over, an occupational therapist took us to a private room and told us (including Daniel) that while she was being conservative, she had to recommend that he not receive anything by mouth from that day forward.  I was in shock.  This possibility had never entered my mind.  Dan was exhausted by this time, and it was hard to know how much he took in.  I had a sense of deja vu, as if I was back in the examining room at Johns-Hopkins the day he had been officially diagnosed with A-T.  The doctor’s had to keep repeating that Dan had it.  My sweet, healthy -looking 2 & 1/2 year-old son had a fatal genetic condition that no one in either  family (mine or my ex-husband’s) had ever heard of or been diagnosed with.  It was true though, no matter how much I didn’t want it to be.  Something short-circuited in my nervous system that day, the result of an adrenaline overload or an implosion of emotion that couldn’t be categorized. (it was eventually diagnosed as fibromyalgia and panic attacks, but that’s another story)

Back in the little room, sitting in child-sized chairs and holding Daniel so he could rest, the O.T. asked if we had any questions.  My mind had gone numb, and I honestly don’t remember if I asked anything or not.  By the end of the week, Daniel had a tube in his nose that went down into his jejunum and two weeks after that he had surgery to have a permanent j-tube put in his abdomen.  It felt like he was being tortured, and I was forced to be a participant.

This has been an unbelievably difficult adjustment.  Food is a huge part of life, and nourishing my children nutritionally is an integral part of being their mother.  Every aspect of eating from shopping for food, (Oh, Dan would LOVE that) to making school lunches, (Al and Annie like ham, Dan likes chicken) to planning dinner and setting the table (we need five place settings – oh, right we only need four) reminds me that things have changed for Dan, for all of us.  He keeps asking “what will I do at school during lunch?” and I don’t really know how to answer.  We still sit together as a family for dinner, and I suppose the silver lining is that Dan never really enjoyed eating that much anyway.  Most of the time it was more of a chore for him than anything.  He’s also finally gaining weight, which is a blessing, because he had started looking skeletal and we worried that any illness could take him from us because he had no reserves to fight it off with.  As with much of what has happened, it’s not simply win or lose, it’s compromise, letting go, and releasing expectations whether catastrophic or miraculous.  It’s doing my best to love Dan without limit every moment we have, and surround him with others who will do the same when we are apart.  It’s also harder than I ever could have imagined almost a decade ago when the doctor’s diagnosed his condition, and added a realization of what is really precious about life.  Whether that counts as winning or losing, I don’t know.  The analogy of life as a series of battles was already worn and tired before I typed it into the subject box on this post several days ago.  That’s reason enough to stop thinking about things that way.