Solitude

Some grief requires solitude. An interval to withdraw from social norms and attempt to heal in silence the breech carved through you. Words, speech, even listening is hard. The effort required to perform simple tasks, to risk reaching out, even to your most trusted loved ones is unbearable. Because they know. They know your heart…

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Letters to Mom

Dearest Mom: I knew, long ago, that I would feel completely lost without you in this world. There are so many ways I miss you I cannot even begin to describe them. I know people try to understand that I’m still mourning. You’ve been gone since June 15, 2013 but it’s barely been a breath…

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Love and Loss

Seeing that the last draft on this blog was in March astounds me.  Even worse, I’ve published nothing here since November of 2012.  I lost hope.  Even as I tried to grab at the tattered remnants of the gorgeous golden thread of it, my fingers slipped.  You could say it was a nervous breakdown.  Strong…

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Healing and forgiveness

Tara Brach talks about three conditions for healing from trauma. 1) Realize it’s not your fault (self-forgiveness) 2) Find some pathway to love or safety 3) Stay present to the feeling – no matter how painful it is – then you switch from the small, contracted presence to the full loving presence. This doesn’t mean…

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New day, new job

Today I start work for the first time outside our home in two years.  I was up until 1:00, up again several times because of pain, and am now  hoping coffee will pry my eyes open enough that I won’t fall asleep during orientation.  A part of me wistfully wondered what it would be like…

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Letting go of my daughter.

Mindfulness is a practice of staying in the present moment with your experience, regardless of what it is.  Pain, joy, anger, peace; whatever comes up.  My daughter recently went through a stage of wanting to be close to me frequently, to spend time alone together, and show her affection openly.  There were times when it…

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Thoughtful blogging.

My last blog post wasn’t very thoughtful.  Hopefully people read all of it and didn’t stop with my whining and complaining.  (oh wait, that WAS all of it!  : D )  Nothing in life comes with guarantees, and I’m very lucky to have the wonderful husband I do.  The fact that I get triggered is my…

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How do you mourn?

I would love to hear feedback from anyone who happens to read my blog about the question that serves as it’s title.  Some losses are immediate and final – for example the death of a parent.  Other losses just go on and on, like looking at the sweet face of my middle child every day…

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