Some grief requires solitude.
An interval to withdraw from social norms and attempt to heal in silence the breech carved through you.
Words, speech, even listening is hard. The effort required to perform simple tasks, to risk reaching out, even to your most trusted loved ones is unbearable. Because they know.
They know your heart is ripped open, gushing sorrow. Their compassion and love make it even more real.
For their hearts are also broken. They too have lost a beloved.
Love, how the ache of it’s loss can overpower you. The longing for it so deep and impenetrable. The absence that will forever be a companion for us now.
A part of me that was good and true, has vanished, but the memories of it, of you, Dan, are all around me.
Please forgive me my dear ones if you find me mute. My body needs time to regenerate, to weave a soft spot to fill the hole promised to me all those years ago. You know that I love you, that I know you are also in pain and with what remains of my tattered heart I am with you.
As I edited my last post, it occurred to me that self-absorption is one of the reasons for my genetic “defect.” Assuming responsibility for everything requires a pretty sticky relationship with your ego. It reminds me of cartoons where the characters get stuck in their own “fly paper” and end up a big ball of glue, lint, hair, and other assorted trash. I’ve been processing a lot of pain about my son who is disabled (marinating in it might be a more appropriate description) and have resorted to eating “cheerfully” colored foods to bolster my spirit. (carrots, clementines – you get the idea) Along with the pain is the shame I feel in thinking that somehow MY grief is deeper than anyone else’s. It all just gets stickier the more I think about it. I’ve listened to Tara Brach’s podcasts, which always help unstick some of the mental glue. Also, despite my lack of faith, reading the poetry of Wendell Brown is magical in its’ ability to snip away at the bindings my brain creates so craftily. (thank you my dear Brother Blogger, for giving so much to the world) http://foreverpoetic.me/
It’s another day, the sun is going down, and soon my son will come rolling up the sidewalk from school. (where he is the student of the month this month – GOOO DAN!!!!) His smile never fails to bring one to my lips as well, and his dry sense of humor always chases some of the blues away. He is still here with me. All three of my precious children are still here with me, and that makes today a pretty fantastic day!!