Some grief requires solitude.
An interval to withdraw from social norms and attempt to heal in silence the breech carved through you.
Words, speech, even listening is hard. The effort required to perform simple tasks, to risk reaching out, even to your most trusted loved ones is unbearable. Because they know.
They know your heart is ripped open, gushing sorrow. Their compassion and love make it even more real.
For their hearts are also broken. They too have lost a beloved.
Love, how the ache of it’s loss can overpower you. The longing for it so deep and impenetrable. The absence that will forever be a companion for us now.
A part of me that was good and true, has vanished, but the memories of it, of you, Dan, are all around me.
Please forgive me my dear ones if you find me mute. My body needs time to regenerate, to weave a soft spot to fill the hole promised to me all those years ago. You know that I love you, that I know you are also in pain and with what remains of my tattered heart I am with you.
Tara Brach talks about three conditions for healing from trauma. 1) Realize it’s not your fault (self-forgiveness) 2) Find some pathway to love or safety 3) Stay present to the feeling – no matter how painful it is – then you switch from the small, contracted presence to the full loving presence. This doesn’t mean you won’t ever have the feeling again, but that you when you do come into that feeling you will contact the full, open loving presence more and more easily. This is the blessing of presence. “When you trust you are the ocean, you’re no longer afraid of the waves.”
First, I have to forgive myself for the “not beautiful” ways I’ve coped with trauma in the past. Second I need to find the source of unconditional love, of loving presence. Third, I need to stay with the traumatic memory or feel it fully while staying in touch with the source of that open, loving presence all around me. This is what will allow me to heal.
I pass this on just as a way to help others heal. Also, try checking out Tara Brach’s website and books. She is really helpful. Namaste’.
Check out Tara Brach