loss – An Unexpected Life

Another day without you.

Bitter, the absence of you, the taste of loss in my mouth. Missing you so it feels my soul will break apart. Just a box of you on the mantle in the living room, a trace of you, but not. I don’t know yet how to mine the beauty of your life, to find theContinue reading “Another day without you.”

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Falling In Love for the First Time

One of the most tenacious demons I’ve had to face since my Mother’s death is my own self-hatred. I’ve been prickly, “emo” (as my daughter would say), anxious, depressed…my body has started to morph into what hers looked like prior to her death. Bloated, unlike she had ever been. Physical complaints that no doctor canContinue reading “Falling In Love for the First Time”

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Letters to Mom

Dearest Mom: I knew, long ago, that I would feel completely lost without you in this world. There are so many ways I miss you I cannot even begin to describe them. I know people try to understand that I’m still mourning. You’ve been gone since June 15, 2013 but it’s barely been a breathContinue reading “Letters to Mom”

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Love and Loss

Seeing that the last draft on this blog was in March astounds me. Even worse, I’ve published nothing here since November of 2012. I lost hope. Even as I tried to grab at the tattered remnants of the gorgeous golden thread of it, my fingers slipped. You could say it was a nervous breakdown. StrongContinue reading “Love and Loss”

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Self-Absorption

As I edited my last post, it occurred to me that self-absorption is one of the reasons for my genetic “defect.” Assuming responsibility for everything requires a pretty sticky relationship with your ego. It reminds me of cartoons where the characters get stuck in their own “fly paper” and end up a big ball ofContinue reading “Self-Absorption”

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Losing battles

Confronting the reality of my son’s condition as fatal is a battle that has taken me to the brink of insanity over and over again. Sometimes the grief is so heavy that I don’t think I can bear it another second. Then Dan will cough or crack one of his jokes that make me howlContinue reading “Losing battles”