love – An Unexpected Life

Another day without you.

Bitter, the absence of you, the taste of loss in my mouth. Missing you so it feels my soul will break apart. Just a box of you on the mantle in the living room, a trace of you, but not. I don’t know yet how to mine the beauty of your life, to find theContinue reading “Another day without you.”

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What dreams?

What dreams trouble your rest, dear heart? Are you dreaming of the spinal tap, so long ago? The endless needle sticks for labs and iv’s? Of the Lifeflights, the ambulance rides? Are you dreaming of the surgeries and the long recoveries? The gasping for breath, reaching out your hands for air you could no longerContinue reading “What dreams?”

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Defying gravity

The tide of your breath rises and falls; the ventilator, the moon, that gathers and releases it. Another night in the hospital. Me by your bed, gazing at you and remembering, as you lay sleeping and dreaming your dreams. Memories come to me in silken images. You; in navy, rubber rain boots, the blue powerContinue reading “Defying gravity”

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Love’s Woes

Love can cause so much suffering and so much joy. It’s a crazy ride, and I understand more and more why some people give up rather than endure it. Even a devoted meditator can still face heartbreak, and the pain that love can bring actually does drive some people crazy. Of course there are manyContinue reading “Love’s Woes”

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Letters to Mom

Dearest Mom: I knew, long ago, that I would feel completely lost without you in this world. There are so many ways I miss you I cannot even begin to describe them. I know people try to understand that I’m still mourning. You’ve been gone since June 15, 2013 but it’s barely been a breathContinue reading “Letters to Mom”

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Love and Loss

Seeing that the last draft on this blog was in March astounds me. Even worse, I’ve published nothing here since November of 2012. I lost hope. Even as I tried to grab at the tattered remnants of the gorgeous golden thread of it, my fingers slipped. You could say it was a nervous breakdown. StrongContinue reading “Love and Loss”

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Providing Meaning

My son was so tired tonight, his spirit so exhausted. How can I possibly seek respite from caring for him when I have no way of knowing how many more days we have together? At 15 he has to tolerate getting help from his mother with showering, eating, getting dressed, and so many other thingsContinue reading “Providing Meaning”

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Being a Nurse

Oh Great Spirit, who watches over us all, from the tiniest single-celled organism to the magnificent artic wolf, please place me where I can be of most help to others today. My heart is heavy with the suffering of my fellow humans, and our weary earth. I know people can be demanding, and my desireContinue reading “Being a Nurse”

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Thresholds

I have always lived with the reality that I have heightened sensitivity. I am hypersensitive to loud noises, bright lights, sudden movement, and especially to anger – whether directed at me, or my own. From a young age I learned not to trust signals from within. Genetically, I have a “special chromosome” that tells me IContinue reading “Thresholds”

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Seasonal symptoms

Nightmares that tear at the fabric of sleep days lost to depression at the hatred in speech news of no relevance or negatively biased pessimism reigning over hope’s tender blossoms. I remember the tears flowing freely last year as we watched a new president’s inaugural address how much have we lost in the days sinceContinue reading “Seasonal symptoms”