What dreams?

What dreams trouble your rest, dear heart? Are you dreaming of the spinal tap, so long ago? The endless needle sticks for labs and iv’s? Of the Lifeflights, the ambulance rides? Are you dreaming of the surgeries and the long recoveries? The gasping for breath, reaching out your hands for air you could no longer…

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Defying gravity

The tide of your breath rises and falls; the ventilator, the moon, that gathers and  releases it. Another night in the hospital. Me by your bed, gazing at you and remembering, as you lay sleeping and dreaming your dreams. Memories come to me in silken images. You; in navy, rubber rain boots, the blue power…

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Falling In Love for the First Time

One of the most tenacious demons I’ve had to face since my Mother’s death is my own self-hatred.  I’ve been prickly, “emo” (as my daughter would say), anxious, depressed…my body has started to morph into what hers looked like prior to her death.  Bloated, unlike she had ever been.  Physical complaints that no doctor can…

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Self-Absorption

As I edited my last post, it occurred to me that self-absorption is one of the reasons for my genetic “defect.”  Assuming responsibility for everything requires a pretty sticky relationship with your ego.  It reminds me of cartoons where the characters get stuck in their own “fly paper” and end up a big ball of…

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New day, new job

Today I start work for the first time outside our home in two years.  I was up until 1:00, up again several times because of pain, and am now  hoping coffee will pry my eyes open enough that I won’t fall asleep during orientation.  A part of me wistfully wondered what it would be like…

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Thoughtful blogging.

My last blog post wasn’t very thoughtful.  Hopefully people read all of it and didn’t stop with my whining and complaining.  (oh wait, that WAS all of it!  : D )  Nothing in life comes with guarantees, and I’m very lucky to have the wonderful husband I do.  The fact that I get triggered is my…

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Losing battles

Confronting the reality of my son’s condition as fatal is a battle that has taken me to the brink of insanity over and over again.  Sometimes the grief is so heavy that I don’t think I can bear it another second.  Then Dan will cough or crack one of his jokes that make me howl…

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Writer envy

I spend almost no time at all on my writing.  I read about writing incessantly, I read in my genre voraciously, and visit my favorite author’s websites obsessively.  All time that should be spent – wait for it – WRITING!!!  I learned this week that Nora Roberts’ rule for writing is “butt in chair” (or…

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Roller Derby Queen?

Most of my life I’ve considered it a virtue that I’m willing to look like a fool.  My children found this to be one of my most endearing qualities when they were young, but as they’ve enter adolescence, well…not so much.  A good example was trying out my LandRollers today.  As a veteran of bilateral…

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